A hot mug of horror

Winter is finally here. And really nothing beats snuggling up with a nice big mug of hot chocolate and a good horror novel. I am particularly partial to Stephen King’s line of both.

Many people are unaware that their favorite horror writer and their favorite hot chocolatetier are one and the same person. Stephen King’s lifelong affection for the macabre is only transcended by his penchant steaming hot chocolate. He has had the fortune of achieving remarkable success on both fronts.

Of course, to truly appreciate either, you must have both. On the other side, however, it is often confusing and frustrating to be experiencing the dark recesses of human depravity with a hint of mint on your tongue. Likewise, who wants to imagine gibbering mutant freaks with peanut butter cups on their palate?

In that light I have prepared a list of book to flavor pairing for your next hedonistic escapade:

• Stephen’s Peanut Butter cup cocoa would be an excellent compliment to Stephen King’s The Mist. Beware of the mysterious unidentifiable floaty things.


• Stephen’s Milk Chocolate Cocoa has a classic taste. Try it while reading Pet Semetary. The flavor is almost earthy. Almost exhumed gravey.
• Stephen’s Belgian Dark Cocoa is a must for the Dark Tower series.


• While reading Misery, try Stephen's Orange Creme. When it comes to Orange Creme, I'm its number one fan.


• Stephen's Raspberry pairs nicely with Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption. Raspberry is light on the palate, with a hint of hope.


• Stephen's Irish Creme is a perfect complement to the Green Mile. In fact, the main character's name is a subtle nod to the flavor.


• Stephen’s Cherry Chocolate is a very appropriate pairing with It. The strong overtones of cherry are reminiscent of fun times at the carnival and the bright red noses of clowns.


• Stephen's Chocolate Mint Truffle is an electric compliment to the Stand. Now whenever I think of the end of the world (or Christmas), I taste mint.


• Read Eyes of the Dragon with Stephen’s Gourmet Candycane Cocoa. Be sure to use a napkin.


• Stephen’s Mexican Chocolate is a very fitting compliment to Firestarter. Just make sure it's hot.


• Try reading Dead Zone with Stephen’s Italian Amaretto Cocoa. That nutty flavor will leave you sensing the future every time. I just wish I could have sipped a little and shaken Obama's hand . . . just in case.


• Drink Stephen’s Chocolate Cinnamon Cocoa while reading The Shining. Remember, "all work and no cocoa makes Jack a dull boy."


• Stephen’s Dulce De Leche Caramel would work well with Insomnia. This book just doesn't work without the desperate exhaustion created by warm milk.


• Read Thinner with Stephen’s No Sugar Added Hot Cocoa. I think no additional explanation here is needed.

I hope this list is helpful. Perhaps the most exiting tid-bit I can share, however, is the exciting marketing move King enterprises has recently made. Stephen King has final come to terms with this secret duel enterprise, as evidenced by his latest labeling campaign.

Focusing on our strengths . . .

I have no idea how BYU is doing on the sports front. I understand they win some and they loose some. This bit of information continuously vexes the fanatical following of Cougar fans who seem to hinge their testimony on the triumph of "God's football team."

I am all behind BYU being God's University. I have a bit of news for those Cougar-ragous blue bloods however . . .

1. God doesn't care about football.
2. God cares about chocolate milk.

BYU keeps pretty tight lips about the salaries of their lead employees. I suspect however, there is one executive that makes more that the head coach: the director of the creamery. Meeting in secret in the tunnels under the campus, the Chocus Dei consists of four emeritus members of the quorum of the seventy, who together are the sole keepers of the ancient recipe. For decades that secret organization has protected the secret of their ambrosia in chocolate.

Rumor has it that Dan Brown is currently working on a ground-breaking novel exposing this whole organization, and their long, delicious history.

Romulan Noodles

Romulan Noodles, as they are properly called, are the victim of a flubbed merchandizing effort of Gene Roddenberry in his original Star Trek series.

In episode 59, “The Enterprise Incident” Captain Kirk fakes his own death, and teleports onboard a Romulan Warbird do a little imperial espionage. In the process of getting his hands on the top-secret Romulan cloaking device, he is forced into an awkward scene where he needs to consume ethnic food or blow his cover. He immediately falls in love with a particular dish called Romulan noodles.

“Oh My . . . It tastes . . . just like chicken! . . . like . . . Iowa fried . . . chicken!”

The Star Trek Franchise was poised for immediately release of “Romulan Noodles” into the marketplace following the first showing of the episode. Unfortunately, do to a miscommunication with production, the work “Romulan” was horribly misspelled. The mistake discovered all to late. The scene was awkwardly cut from the episode.

Even with the misprint, “Ramen noodles" was an instant success with college-age bachelors. Marketing resisted any suggestions to re-brand the noodle.

Of course, hardcore fans will want to know how modern-day sales of Romulan Noodles fit into the Star Trek universe. In the original long-term scope of the series, that question was to be answered in the fourth movie “The Voyage Home.” There Kirk snuck a pack of Romulan noodles back to the 20th century for easy snacking. Once in San Francisco, he fell in love with, (and of course gets his shirt torn by) a fun-loving transvestite named Maggi Mee. (S)he reverse engineers the noodles and makes a fortune.

Logically, after the misprinted packages were released, this subplot idea was also scrapped.

Ode to Pus Logs

Of the flavor, I have no complaints. It is everything else.

I believe my least favorite fruit is the banana. (The name descends from the original Hawaiian word for “cylindrical zit, a.k.a., pus log”) Hear is my “rule of tongue”: Any fruit the you can “chew” by smashing it with your tongue against the roof of your mouth is plainly off limits for my digestive system.

Really, I have no complaints against those that enjoy a good banana periodically. In fact, I encourage you to be true to the original form of consumption. To truly experience a banana, you need simply to bite off the back end, forming a small hole opposite the stem. Then, starting from the stem, squeeze your fingers around the fruit and pull towards the hole like a tube of toothpaste. Enjoy the concentrated white pus that comes squirting out. That’s right. Like a bloated zit that bursts a chunky glob of tasteless paste in your direction. Mmm, mmm good.

Ben and Jerry’s: Manna, Ambrosia, or Panacea

From youth I have always had the mistaken belief that food either tasted good or it was good for you. Those two polar extremes have proven discrete time and time again throughout my life.

There is one company however, that has turned everything I thought I knew about food upside down. They have taken those two mutually exclusive, entirely incompatible, concepts and merged them into a food that by every law of nature should not exist. Physics and chemistry, the twin culinary sciences, gape in silent astonishment. It is almost as if they have taken matter and anti-matter, and forged something entirely new---Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.

The name Ben and Jerry’s, of course, is a catchy abbreviation of its two primary ingredients, Benadryl and Geritol. Ben and Jerry’s has the combined potency of an iron supplement and the alluring, blissful, head-throbbing, sedating effect of an antihistamine. Together the flavor knocks you flat on your back, and brings you back from the dead a week later begging for more.

There are several variety of Ben and Jerry’s available over the counter, but due to the temperature requirements, it is often kept in the frozen foods rather than the pharmacy.

• Ben and Jerry’s Plus (with Zinc)
• Maximum Strength Ben and Jerry’s
• Ben and Jerry’s Cough and Sore Throat
• Ben and Jerry’s Children’s Nappy-time with Codeine
• Ben and Jerry’s Anti-inflammatory with Estrogens and Progestins

Ask your doctor if you would like to know more about Ben and Jerry's mediations available at prescription strength.

Newly developed alternative administration methods include:

• Ben and Jerry’s Children’s Chewable tablets
• Ben and Jerry’s Topical Ointment
• Ben and Jerry’s Suppository
• Ben and Jerry’s Nasal Spray
• Ben and Jerry’s Live cultures vaccine injection

A BJ a day, keeps the doctor away!

Warning:

Excessive use of Ben and Jerry's can cause bloating and sluggishness. In some cases, people report irritability, depression, anxiety, psychosis, tic (or stereotyped repetitive movement), soreness, itching, headaches, chills, nausea, fatigue, spontaneous cardiovascular arrest, fever, aches, attraction to magnets, hallucinations, uncontrollable bowels, mild rash, seizures, inflammation of the parotid gland, coma, muscle wasting, excessive abdominal gas, heartburn, change in eating habits, addition, possiveness over the medication (to the point of violence), and in rare cases, weight gain (to the point of morbid obesity.)

Fondo – The Way of the Fork

For generations a hidden martial art has been passed from father to son. This art has evolved over thousands of years. It originated from deep within the aboriginal pre-historic French rainforests. There, while fighting over a limited food supply, the first forks were created by mustached cave-people.
Today, in our bounteous plenty, the primary purpose of the fork has been forgotten. It is more than a utensil for moving food towards the mouth---it is a weapon to keep competitors for a scarce resource at bay.

The art originated as a way of life—a literal “survival-of-the-fittest.” Today it is ceremoniously practiced exclusively during a French ritual called “Fondue.” Points are scored as “morsels” are retrieved, dipped in “fodder” (a pot of molten sauce, usually some kind of dairy), and consumed. Long minutes are spent in psychological warfare---waiting, biding time, feinting, looking for that split second opportunity to claim the prize. Although blood is common at these events, the injuries are not usually lethal---they tend to target the hands and arms (although in heated competitions the cheeks, chins, thighs, and necks can become engaged in melee.)

There are three primary types of instrument used in fondo—(1) the skewer, the most primitive, single-pointed instrument. (2) the trident—a three-tanged fork, and (3) the classical bident—a two-tanged fork. Additional tangs add the benefit of catching an opponents fork, possibly de-forking him entirely. It also allows a more firm grasp on morsels (very helpful if the morsels a soft fruit (such as bananas) or the fodder is particular viscous (such as chocolate). Fewer tangs does provide the advantages of a deeper jab—possibly sliding morsels down the skewer, exposing the point for further attacks, and more penetrating power against thickly clothed opponents. (Although against regulation and considered a dishonorable practice, some street-fondo practitioners will wear gardening gloves.)

An outline of basic forms of Fondo include:

• Classical—Single fork in the primary hand. The unarmed hand is held behind the back.
• Natural—Single fork, but the unarmed hand is free to assist with blocks, parries, and if necessary, grapples. Although it is considered bad form in the United States, the unarmed hand could also be used to de-morsel an opponent’s fork.
• International—The international form utilizes a fork in each hand. Often one fork will be shorter than the other, and used primarily for parrying the opponent’s fork, or making attacks against his person.
• Twin-picks---Twin-picks is a specific subset of the International form, involving a very short wooden skewer in each hand (about the size of a toothpick). These contests often become very brutal. The skewers are fragile enough to be broken easily, so they are usually held in a closed fist until making an attempt at a morsel. Without exposed forks, the contest quickly evolved into a fist-fight.
• Darthfork—This relatively new form involves a modified double sided fondo fork. This gives the advantage of holding food on one side, while threatening with the other. International Darthfork (one double-sided fork held in each hand) creates a dizzying blur of steel and strawberries.

Although it is unclear what retaliation I might face for making public the secrets of Fondo, I will attempt to reveal more moves, techniques, and strategies in the near future.

Where is this place, Corne, and how do they make such delicious little animals? And what game, exactly, do they play?

So persistent were these nagging questions in my mind that I decided to do a little research. Corne is a Mediterranean island off the bootlace side of Italy. (On most maps it is referred to by it’s proper Italian name, Corsica.) In fact, rumor has it, that this island that was the original inspiration behind Jurassic park. Of course, rather than breeding the monstrous prehistoric reptiles that we have seen in the movie, they breed the miniature prehistoric mammals that we read about in textbooks. (Interesting note: Corsica island neighbor, Sardinia, is the home of the similarly bred “Sardina Game Fish”---a miniature fish we know as Sardines.)

These miniature animals are the result of research done by the international toy conglomerate Hasbro. Originally the Cornish “Game” Hen was devised as an experimental living game chit, intended for release in the Dungeons and Dragons line of miniatures “Giants of Legend.” Unfortunately, a group of animal rights activist got involved, and now, rather than playing with them, we deep fry them.

Now mind you, the widely known (and much appreciated) Cornish Game Hen is only one of an often overlooked group of miniature Cornish animals.

Once or twice a year—St. Patrick’s day being the most consistent—we get out our heaviest pot, chop up some veggies, and have a reverent ceremony. Walmart always puts Cornish Game Cow on sale a few days before the holiday. Something about the method of butchering a miniature cow affects the flavor, so “Corned beef” (as it is often referred to in the US) is sold in either point cut (killed in the traditional spear-throwing method) or flat cut (killed by morning-star, a method preferred by some connoisseurs).

The other wildly popular Cornish miniature mammal in the United States is the Cornish Game Dog. A vast majority of these pups are harvested from dog farms at a tender and juicy age. Most often served with a traditional cornbread coating and a wooden dowel longitudinally inserted from the back end, it is a favorite for children and adult alike.

Hopefully I have been helpful in illuminating a bit of the fascinating background behind some of our favorite Cornish delights. Hopefully you take a moment to thank your local importer next time you grab a corn dog for lunch.

Tymz translation of the bible . . .

There is a misconception that the ancient Hebrews were relatively primitive in the arts of medicine and surgery. This misconception exists because the only real biblical reference to the healing arts is the so named “Balm of Gilead.” Unfortunately, this is the result of a rather embarrassing misinterpretation of the original writings. In fact, the Balm of Gilead is not a reference to medical terminology at all.

I will spare you from a lengthy discussion of etymology and semantics; let it suffice to say, “Gilead” is an ancient word meaning “a frigid palace,” or in what our modern technological vocabulary would call a “refrigerator.” Because of the unfortunate ambiguity of the root word, several other health-related words have been mistranslated as well.

“Balm” also has similarly ancient roots. It quite literally translates to “Fresca” one of the most prized beverages in the ancient world. It was often referred to as the “everlasting water of life” for it was unimaginable that one could take a sip and thirst ever again.

Hopefully this will knowledge will grant you additional insight as you study the scriptures. For example:

Jeremiah 8:22
“Is there no balm [Fresca] in Gilead [the refrigerator]; is there no physician [fizzies] there? Why then is not the health [thirst] of the daughter of my people recovered [quenched]?”

Doesn’t that make all the more poignant the anguish of the inhabitants of Jerusalem?

Jeremiah 46:11
“Go up into Gilead [the refrigerator], and take balm [Fresca], O virgin, the daughter of Egypt: in vain shalt thou use many medicines [sodas]; for thou shalt not be cured [quenched].”

In this chapter, Jeremiah compares the looming fall of the Egyptians to one who drinks Fresca, but without quenching their thirst. Can you imagine what that must have been like? Drinking a Fresca, but without the bubbling, tingling, long-lasting refreshment?

Genesis 37:25
“And they sat down to eat bread: and they lifted up their eyes and looked, and, behold, a company of Ishmeelites came from Gilead [the refrigerator] with their camels bearing spicery and balm [Fresca] and myrrh [tapioca pudding pearls], going to carry it down to Egypt.”

Now, that sounds like a caravan I want to be a part of!