St. Patrick and the Guild of Leprechauns

Little is known of the mysterious past of St. Patrick’s day. Allow me to illuminate what little we do know:

It was Halloween 1517. A kind monk by the name of Martin Luther was dressed up in a costume that would centuries later become the inspiration behind Batman. He would playfully grab passing children, dressed up in their pagan costumes (According to Walmart.com, that year Hephaestus, the lame Greek god of metalwork, was the costume of choice), and beat them with licorice strips until they were all laughing so hard he couldn’t continue.

He saw what he thought was a group of children gathered around the local cathedral door, but as he approached they scattered. They had carved profanities into the door—95 in all. Luther carefully placed a Post-It (Often referred to by its Latin name: “Theses”) over each marking, and writing instructions to the cathedral door-polisher to “Remove the hidden scars from the Church.” (Unfortunately, these were discovered by the bishop first, leading to the single greatest misinterpretation of an event in history.)

Unfortunately, Martin Luther never had a chance to correct the mistake, for unbeknownst to him, that night a group of convicts escaped the local leper colony. The disease had stunted their growth, and driven them madly superstitious. These “leper-cons” were spotted several times in the days following Martin Luther’s mysterious disappearance . . . ranting wild folk melodies, smelling of clover, feasting on human flesh.

Martin Luther’s roommate, John Calvin, wanted to keep the utilities in Martin Luther’s name, so he perpetuated the myth that he was still alive.

For the next several years, the leper-cons terrorized various villages, showing up sporadically all over Europe. As their numbers grew, so did their sophistication. They operated as a savage guild of potted-candle-makers, whose influence spread across the continent. Eventually they began to operate as a unified organization under the charismatic leadership of a cunning Irish midget named Trick.

The Guild of Leper-Cons reached unprecedented notoriety, and Trick took upon himself the title of “Father.” (referred to in old Irish as “Pa”)

28 years after their first attack, the nineteenth ecumenical council of the Catholic Church opened at Trent to discuss a resolution to this persistent problem. If rumors are to be believed, PaTrick himself held a secret meeting with several cardinals and high-ranking officials from the Church’s sister organization, Hallmark. On March 17th, a compromise was reached granting each of the leper-cons a “Pot ‘o Gold” and imbuing PaTrick his Sainthood. The compromise worked---the attacks stopped, and the image of “Leprechauns” has evolved into the lovable clover-wielding misers we know today.

Of course, the whole “I-get-to-pinch-you-if-you-are-not-wearing-green” thing was invented in the 20’s by an old business executive with a young attractive secretary. The color was irrelevant; he just picked the color she wasn’t wearing that day. It is amazing what some people will believe.

Where is this place, Corne, and how do they make such delicious little animals? And what game, exactly, do they play?

So persistent were these nagging questions in my mind that I decided to do a little research. Corne is a Mediterranean island off the bootlace side of Italy. (On most maps it is referred to by it’s proper Italian name, Corsica.) In fact, rumor has it, that this island that was the original inspiration behind Jurassic park. Of course, rather than breeding the monstrous prehistoric reptiles that we have seen in the movie, they breed the miniature prehistoric mammals that we read about in textbooks. (Interesting note: Corsica island neighbor, Sardinia, is the home of the similarly bred “Sardina Game Fish”---a miniature fish we know as Sardines.)

These miniature animals are the result of research done by the international toy conglomerate Hasbro. Originally the Cornish “Game” Hen was devised as an experimental living game chit, intended for release in the Dungeons and Dragons line of miniatures “Giants of Legend.” Unfortunately, a group of animal rights activist got involved, and now, rather than playing with them, we deep fry them.

Now mind you, the widely known (and much appreciated) Cornish Game Hen is only one of an often overlooked group of miniature Cornish animals.

Once or twice a year—St. Patrick’s day being the most consistent—we get out our heaviest pot, chop up some veggies, and have a reverent ceremony. Walmart always puts Cornish Game Cow on sale a few days before the holiday. Something about the method of butchering a miniature cow affects the flavor, so “Corned beef” (as it is often referred to in the US) is sold in either point cut (killed in the traditional spear-throwing method) or flat cut (killed by morning-star, a method preferred by some connoisseurs).

The other wildly popular Cornish miniature mammal in the United States is the Cornish Game Dog. A vast majority of these pups are harvested from dog farms at a tender and juicy age. Most often served with a traditional cornbread coating and a wooden dowel longitudinally inserted from the back end, it is a favorite for children and adult alike.

Hopefully I have been helpful in illuminating a bit of the fascinating background behind some of our favorite Cornish delights. Hopefully you take a moment to thank your local importer next time you grab a corn dog for lunch.