The Rules on the Refrigerator

In my home, it has been a long standing tradition to refer to the "The Rules on the Refrigerator." The tradition of nailing theses to frequented locales is a time-honored long-standing tradition. In ancient times, before the advent of the technology of refrigeration, large stone slabs, or cathedral doors were often used.

Although, in my family of origin these often cited documents were purely hypothetical in nature, we all new exactly what they were, and could recite them on demand.

With my own family, I would like to continue that tradition, and perhaps do it one better: Publish said proscriptive documentation to the web.

Here it goes, as recorded on our refrigerator, complete with the reasoning behind them:

Be Polite

Every time you belch (or swear, talk with your mouth full, etc.), the man or woman of your dreams dies. A quick and sincere “Excuse me” might save him/her. Maybe. Barely.

Be Obedient

Once dad starts counting, he can’t stop until the assigned task has begun. If he reaches the number five, untold horrors are released on the world. Ancient evil slumbering gods will awaken, and the universe as we know it will cease to exist.

Be Happy

Every time you whine, neener, or complain, somewhere in the world a butterfly poops. You don’t want to the world to be filled with butterfly poop, do you? NOTE: This rule fulfills the ancient law: “Cry babies will go to their room and not get what they cry for”, and its corollary variant “. . . cry what they get for.”

Be Kind

Never decrease another’s happiness. In the last day the total number of bubbles in our respective celestial Jacuzzis is directly proportional to the cumulative net increase of ‘HU’s accrued over your life-time. (HU = Happiness Unit, or the equivalent of a smile lasting one second on a one-year-old person.)

Be Loyal

If you dishonor yourself, home, parents, spouse, siblings, or kids, you dishonor the whole family. Your children and your children’s children will rue the day you brought shame to the family name. They will blot out their own names to avoid association with the fallen and disgraced family of Stanley. Family comes first, and only marriage comes before children. NOTE: At the age of 21 you earn a single disloyalty exemption to betray your family one time. Use it wisely.

St. Patrick and the Guild of Leprechauns

Little is known of the mysterious past of St. Patrick’s day. Allow me to illuminate what little we do know:

It was Halloween 1517. A kind monk by the name of Martin Luther was dressed up in a costume that would centuries later become the inspiration behind Batman. He would playfully grab passing children, dressed up in their pagan costumes (According to Walmart.com, that year Hephaestus, the lame Greek god of metalwork, was the costume of choice), and beat them with licorice strips until they were all laughing so hard he couldn’t continue.

He saw what he thought was a group of children gathered around the local cathedral door, but as he approached they scattered. They had carved profanities into the door—95 in all. Luther carefully placed a Post-It (Often referred to by its Latin name: “Theses”) over each marking, and writing instructions to the cathedral door-polisher to “Remove the hidden scars from the Church.” (Unfortunately, these were discovered by the bishop first, leading to the single greatest misinterpretation of an event in history.)

Unfortunately, Martin Luther never had a chance to correct the mistake, for unbeknownst to him, that night a group of convicts escaped the local leper colony. The disease had stunted their growth, and driven them madly superstitious. These “leper-cons” were spotted several times in the days following Martin Luther’s mysterious disappearance . . . ranting wild folk melodies, smelling of clover, feasting on human flesh.

Martin Luther’s roommate, John Calvin, wanted to keep the utilities in Martin Luther’s name, so he perpetuated the myth that he was still alive.

For the next several years, the leper-cons terrorized various villages, showing up sporadically all over Europe. As their numbers grew, so did their sophistication. They operated as a savage guild of potted-candle-makers, whose influence spread across the continent. Eventually they began to operate as a unified organization under the charismatic leadership of a cunning Irish midget named Trick.

The Guild of Leper-Cons reached unprecedented notoriety, and Trick took upon himself the title of “Father.” (referred to in old Irish as “Pa”)

28 years after their first attack, the nineteenth ecumenical council of the Catholic Church opened at Trent to discuss a resolution to this persistent problem. If rumors are to be believed, PaTrick himself held a secret meeting with several cardinals and high-ranking officials from the Church’s sister organization, Hallmark. On March 17th, a compromise was reached granting each of the leper-cons a “Pot ‘o Gold” and imbuing PaTrick his Sainthood. The compromise worked---the attacks stopped, and the image of “Leprechauns” has evolved into the lovable clover-wielding misers we know today.

Of course, the whole “I-get-to-pinch-you-if-you-are-not-wearing-green” thing was invented in the 20’s by an old business executive with a young attractive secretary. The color was irrelevant; he just picked the color she wasn’t wearing that day. It is amazing what some people will believe.