Ben and Jerry’s: Manna, Ambrosia, or Panacea

From youth I have always had the mistaken belief that food either tasted good or it was good for you. Those two polar extremes have proven discrete time and time again throughout my life.

There is one company however, that has turned everything I thought I knew about food upside down. They have taken those two mutually exclusive, entirely incompatible, concepts and merged them into a food that by every law of nature should not exist. Physics and chemistry, the twin culinary sciences, gape in silent astonishment. It is almost as if they have taken matter and anti-matter, and forged something entirely new---Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.

The name Ben and Jerry’s, of course, is a catchy abbreviation of its two primary ingredients, Benadryl and Geritol. Ben and Jerry’s has the combined potency of an iron supplement and the alluring, blissful, head-throbbing, sedating effect of an antihistamine. Together the flavor knocks you flat on your back, and brings you back from the dead a week later begging for more.

There are several variety of Ben and Jerry’s available over the counter, but due to the temperature requirements, it is often kept in the frozen foods rather than the pharmacy.

• Ben and Jerry’s Plus (with Zinc)
• Maximum Strength Ben and Jerry’s
• Ben and Jerry’s Cough and Sore Throat
• Ben and Jerry’s Children’s Nappy-time with Codeine
• Ben and Jerry’s Anti-inflammatory with Estrogens and Progestins

Ask your doctor if you would like to know more about Ben and Jerry's mediations available at prescription strength.

Newly developed alternative administration methods include:

• Ben and Jerry’s Children’s Chewable tablets
• Ben and Jerry’s Topical Ointment
• Ben and Jerry’s Suppository
• Ben and Jerry’s Nasal Spray
• Ben and Jerry’s Live cultures vaccine injection

A BJ a day, keeps the doctor away!

Warning:

Excessive use of Ben and Jerry's can cause bloating and sluggishness. In some cases, people report irritability, depression, anxiety, psychosis, tic (or stereotyped repetitive movement), soreness, itching, headaches, chills, nausea, fatigue, spontaneous cardiovascular arrest, fever, aches, attraction to magnets, hallucinations, uncontrollable bowels, mild rash, seizures, inflammation of the parotid gland, coma, muscle wasting, excessive abdominal gas, heartburn, change in eating habits, addition, possiveness over the medication (to the point of violence), and in rare cases, weight gain (to the point of morbid obesity.)