Fondo – The Way of the Fork

For generations a hidden martial art has been passed from father to son. This art has evolved over thousands of years. It originated from deep within the aboriginal pre-historic French rainforests. There, while fighting over a limited food supply, the first forks were created by mustached cave-people.
Today, in our bounteous plenty, the primary purpose of the fork has been forgotten. It is more than a utensil for moving food towards the mouth---it is a weapon to keep competitors for a scarce resource at bay.

The art originated as a way of life—a literal “survival-of-the-fittest.” Today it is ceremoniously practiced exclusively during a French ritual called “Fondue.” Points are scored as “morsels” are retrieved, dipped in “fodder” (a pot of molten sauce, usually some kind of dairy), and consumed. Long minutes are spent in psychological warfare---waiting, biding time, feinting, looking for that split second opportunity to claim the prize. Although blood is common at these events, the injuries are not usually lethal---they tend to target the hands and arms (although in heated competitions the cheeks, chins, thighs, and necks can become engaged in melee.)

There are three primary types of instrument used in fondo—(1) the skewer, the most primitive, single-pointed instrument. (2) the trident—a three-tanged fork, and (3) the classical bident—a two-tanged fork. Additional tangs add the benefit of catching an opponents fork, possibly de-forking him entirely. It also allows a more firm grasp on morsels (very helpful if the morsels a soft fruit (such as bananas) or the fodder is particular viscous (such as chocolate). Fewer tangs does provide the advantages of a deeper jab—possibly sliding morsels down the skewer, exposing the point for further attacks, and more penetrating power against thickly clothed opponents. (Although against regulation and considered a dishonorable practice, some street-fondo practitioners will wear gardening gloves.)

An outline of basic forms of Fondo include:

• Classical—Single fork in the primary hand. The unarmed hand is held behind the back.
• Natural—Single fork, but the unarmed hand is free to assist with blocks, parries, and if necessary, grapples. Although it is considered bad form in the United States, the unarmed hand could also be used to de-morsel an opponent’s fork.
• International—The international form utilizes a fork in each hand. Often one fork will be shorter than the other, and used primarily for parrying the opponent’s fork, or making attacks against his person.
• Twin-picks---Twin-picks is a specific subset of the International form, involving a very short wooden skewer in each hand (about the size of a toothpick). These contests often become very brutal. The skewers are fragile enough to be broken easily, so they are usually held in a closed fist until making an attempt at a morsel. Without exposed forks, the contest quickly evolved into a fist-fight.
• Darthfork—This relatively new form involves a modified double sided fondo fork. This gives the advantage of holding food on one side, while threatening with the other. International Darthfork (one double-sided fork held in each hand) creates a dizzying blur of steel and strawberries.

Although it is unclear what retaliation I might face for making public the secrets of Fondo, I will attempt to reveal more moves, techniques, and strategies in the near future.