Welcome to the Wal-Mart California

In 1976 the Eagles released their enduring classic “Hotel California.” Little known to the world at large, the title is a result of a lawsuit filed by the Wal-Mart cooperation days after the initial release. The original title “Wal-Mart California” was seen as a direct attack against the quickly growing monolithic corporation. Fortunately, the judicial mandate required only removing the word Wal-Mart from the song---leaving the lyrics otherwise intact. With the original intent of the composers in mind, the meaning of the lyrics becomes clear . . .
(This propagandistic appeal imagines Wal-Mart spreading its influence into the desert highways of California. A fear that was realized 14 years after the release of the song.)

“On a dark desert highway--Cool wind in my hair”
--This is a specific reference to a Wal-Mart in Palm Springs California—The normally blistering Santa Ana winds being mysteriously chill with some dark presence . . .

“Warm smell of colitis--Rising up through the air”
--Colitis is an anagram for “Cist oil”—which is a reference to the decomposing ooze which seeps out from the edges of a poorly made tomb. This is as accurate of a description as I have found to express that unidentifiable smell that surrounds a Wal-Mart.

“Up ahead in the distance--I saw a shimmering light”
--Strategic positioning of illuminated Wal-Mart signs allows their fluorescently flickering images to be seen miles away in the desert air.

“My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim--I had to stop for the night”
--Because of the ubiquitous nature of Wal-Mart, it has become a regular stop on late-night long-distance drives. It has been suggested that the singer intended to actually spend the night at the Wal-Mart—which (although I suspect it happens regularly) is unlikely. Rather---he is traveling throughout the night, and requires a restroom and Snickers break.

“There she stood in the doorway--I heard the mission bell”
--“She,” of course, the archetype of the femme fatal, is Capitalism’s harpy, the Wal-Mart greeter.
The “mission bell” as it is often referred to by employees, is the alarm that goes off whenever: (1) Someone passes the door with a product that hasn’t been scanned, (2) Every 13th customer, regardless of what they have with them, and (3) every 34 minutes, whether a customer is near or not.

“And I was thinking to myself--This could be Heaven or this could be Hell”
--I really think no additional explanation is needed here . . .

“Then she lit up a candle--And she showed me the way”
--This phrase is often mistaken for the actual, literal, igniting of a waxen taper. The original intent here is to express the barely perceptible increase in excitement by the Wal-Mart greeter. “Candle” in this case, refers directly to a measure of luminosity. (Specifically, 1 candle = 1/60 of the luminous intensity per square centimeter of a black body radiating at the temperature of 2,046 degrees Kelvin)
The greeter seemed to illuminate with interest, ever so slightly, as she handed him a cart and bid him enter the store. The greeter represents the only hint left of humanity within the walls of Wal-Mart.

“There were voices down the corridor”
--This is a reference to “Musak” down the aisles of the store.

“I thought I heard them say:”
“Welcome to the [Wal-Mart] California”
“Such a lovely place” (repeated)
“Such a lovely face”
“Plenty of room at the [Wal-Mart] California”
“Any time of year” (repeated)
“You can find it here” (repeated)
--Of course, the hypnotic background Musak does not include the words above—at least, not in a way you can recognize. It has long been speculated however, that the musical background is simply a medium for the transmission of subconscious messages. It stands to reason that this chorus is one such message.

“Her mind is Tiffany twisted”
--Tiffany is the etomological descendant of the Greek “Theophania” meaning “god appearing”. The Eagles here suggest that Wal-Mart is a twisted variation on the appearance of God.

“She's got the Mercedes bends”
--Often misheard by untrained listeners as “Mercedes,” what the singer actually intended was “Merci dis”— French for “Say Thank you.” In a rather crass analogy, the singer is suggesting that Wal-Mart has you “bent over,” presumably for some unpleasant invasion of your wallet, and expects you to thank her for the opportunity.

“She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys--That she calls friends”
--Although the greeters and the registrars all smile, and Wal-Mart tries to make its “associates” (i.e., employees) feel like friends, there is something insincere about the relationship.

“How they dance in the courtyard--Sweet summer sweat”
--The employees of Wal-Mart move rhythmically and purposely, suggesting a kind of happiness through industry.

“Some dance to remember--Some dance to forget”
--Although all the employees are in a state of purgatory . . . some are working to remember their former lives—constantly striving to see the sky though the dominating florescent buzz. Others surrender to the ill-wind of capitalism—trying to forget their hard-earned degrees in obsolete technology.

“So I called up the Captain”
--Upon seeing the employees express their stoic bliss through ‘dance,’ the singer addresses Sam Walton, specifically . . .

“Please bring me my wine”
--Wine being an allusion to the Arcadian idyllic tranquility suggested by the ‘dance’

“He said--We haven't had that spirit here since 1969”
--On Halloween, 1969, Wal-Mart incorporates. The missing spirit is another reference to that “calm” characteristic that is the antithesis of a Saturday afternoon at Wal-Mart.

“And still those voices are calling from far away--Wake you up in the middle of the night”
--A clear reference to the anger hordes of toddlers weeping, wailing, and gnashing their teeth through the isles, pushed in carts by dazed and apathetic parents.

“Just to hear them say”
“Welcome to the Wal-Mart California”
“Such a lovely Place” (repeated)
“Such a lovely face”
“They're livin' it up at the Wal-Mart California”
“What a nice surprise” (repeated)
“Bring your alibis”
--Again, another rendering of the subliminal Musak message . . .with a sarcastic remark at the end, as the singer sees through the illusionary happiness of the place. The singer is thinking of all the places he would rather be at the moment. He is certainly not, “livin’ it up.” The surprise is certainly not “nice,” and the whole venture is made all the more painful if you bring a list of places you could be instead. (Alibis comes from the Latin “alius” (other) on the model of “ibi” (there), meaning “Bring a list of places you would rather be”)

“Mirrors on the ceiling--Pink champagne on ice”
--This is a reference to the security cameras and the boxes of Cherry 7-Up always on sale.

“And she said:”
“We are all just prisoners here--Of our own device”
--The Wal-Mart greeter, (who turns out to the to be the hero of the song), pulls the singer behind a several crates of Cherry 7-Up to escape the security cameras. She explains how Wal-Mart, (referred to by some as the “Whore of all the Earth,” or “The Great and Spacious Building”) has transcended its original bulk-marginal-profit plan and become a self-directing avalanche of capitalistic momentum, sweeping its employees and customers along in the current.

“And in the master's chambers”
“They gathered for the feast”
“They stab it with their steely knives”
“But they just can't kill the beast”
--In 1972, Wal-Mart opened on the New York Stock exchange. At that moment, the “beast” took on a life of its own, the stock splitting three times before the publication of this song four years later. Ever since, despite the masses of lawsuits and take-over attempts Wal-Mart continues to grow unabated (“steely knives” being a metaphor for anti-trust lawyers, named for their conservative, pointy ties). It currently accounts for over a third of US dollars spent on both leg-razors and zucchini.

“Last thing I remember--I was running for the door”
“I had to find the passage back to the place I was before”
--Finally, the singer’s eyes have been completely opened. He understandably seeks escape. This “oasis” in the California desert was in reality an insidious mart of Walls.

“Relax said the night man” (Short for “night manager”)
“We are programmed to receive”
“You can check out any time you like--But you can never leave”
--At the conclusion of the song, the point is finally crystallized. No one ever leaves a Wal-Mart with more money than they came in with. We always return. Even if we manage never to pass through the sliding-glass gates of Hell again, we have left a piece of our soul behind. No man exits a Wal-Mart whole.