St. Patrick and the Guild of Leprechauns

Little is known of the mysterious past of St. Patrick’s day. Allow me to illuminate what little we do know:

It was Halloween 1517. A kind monk by the name of Martin Luther was dressed up in a costume that would centuries later become the inspiration behind Batman. He would playfully grab passing children, dressed up in their pagan costumes (According to Walmart.com, that year Hephaestus, the lame Greek god of metalwork, was the costume of choice), and beat them with licorice strips until they were all laughing so hard he couldn’t continue.

He saw what he thought was a group of children gathered around the local cathedral door, but as he approached they scattered. They had carved profanities into the door—95 in all. Luther carefully placed a Post-It (Often referred to by its Latin name: “Theses”) over each marking, and writing instructions to the cathedral door-polisher to “Remove the hidden scars from the Church.” (Unfortunately, these were discovered by the bishop first, leading to the single greatest misinterpretation of an event in history.)

Unfortunately, Martin Luther never had a chance to correct the mistake, for unbeknownst to him, that night a group of convicts escaped the local leper colony. The disease had stunted their growth, and driven them madly superstitious. These “leper-cons” were spotted several times in the days following Martin Luther’s mysterious disappearance . . . ranting wild folk melodies, smelling of clover, feasting on human flesh.

Martin Luther’s roommate, John Calvin, wanted to keep the utilities in Martin Luther’s name, so he perpetuated the myth that he was still alive.

For the next several years, the leper-cons terrorized various villages, showing up sporadically all over Europe. As their numbers grew, so did their sophistication. They operated as a savage guild of potted-candle-makers, whose influence spread across the continent. Eventually they began to operate as a unified organization under the charismatic leadership of a cunning Irish midget named Trick.

The Guild of Leper-Cons reached unprecedented notoriety, and Trick took upon himself the title of “Father.” (referred to in old Irish as “Pa”)

28 years after their first attack, the nineteenth ecumenical council of the Catholic Church opened at Trent to discuss a resolution to this persistent problem. If rumors are to be believed, PaTrick himself held a secret meeting with several cardinals and high-ranking officials from the Church’s sister organization, Hallmark. On March 17th, a compromise was reached granting each of the leper-cons a “Pot ‘o Gold” and imbuing PaTrick his Sainthood. The compromise worked---the attacks stopped, and the image of “Leprechauns” has evolved into the lovable clover-wielding misers we know today.

Of course, the whole “I-get-to-pinch-you-if-you-are-not-wearing-green” thing was invented in the 20’s by an old business executive with a young attractive secretary. The color was irrelevant; he just picked the color she wasn’t wearing that day. It is amazing what some people will believe.