Romulan Noodles

Romulan Noodles, as they are properly called, are the victim of a flubbed merchandizing effort of Gene Roddenberry in his original Star Trek series.

In episode 59, “The Enterprise Incident” Captain Kirk fakes his own death, and teleports onboard a Romulan Warbird do a little imperial espionage. In the process of getting his hands on the top-secret Romulan cloaking device, he is forced into an awkward scene where he needs to consume ethnic food or blow his cover. He immediately falls in love with a particular dish called Romulan noodles.

“Oh My . . . It tastes . . . just like chicken! . . . like . . . Iowa fried . . . chicken!”

The Star Trek Franchise was poised for immediately release of “Romulan Noodles” into the marketplace following the first showing of the episode. Unfortunately, do to a miscommunication with production, the work “Romulan” was horribly misspelled. The mistake discovered all to late. The scene was awkwardly cut from the episode.

Even with the misprint, “Ramen noodles" was an instant success with college-age bachelors. Marketing resisted any suggestions to re-brand the noodle.

Of course, hardcore fans will want to know how modern-day sales of Romulan Noodles fit into the Star Trek universe. In the original long-term scope of the series, that question was to be answered in the fourth movie “The Voyage Home.” There Kirk snuck a pack of Romulan noodles back to the 20th century for easy snacking. Once in San Francisco, he fell in love with, (and of course gets his shirt torn by) a fun-loving transvestite named Maggi Mee. (S)he reverse engineers the noodles and makes a fortune.

Logically, after the misprinted packages were released, this subplot idea was also scrapped.

Ode to Pus Logs

Of the flavor, I have no complaints. It is everything else.

I believe my least favorite fruit is the banana. (The name descends from the original Hawaiian word for “cylindrical zit, a.k.a., pus log”) Hear is my “rule of tongue”: Any fruit the you can “chew” by smashing it with your tongue against the roof of your mouth is plainly off limits for my digestive system.

Really, I have no complaints against those that enjoy a good banana periodically. In fact, I encourage you to be true to the original form of consumption. To truly experience a banana, you need simply to bite off the back end, forming a small hole opposite the stem. Then, starting from the stem, squeeze your fingers around the fruit and pull towards the hole like a tube of toothpaste. Enjoy the concentrated white pus that comes squirting out. That’s right. Like a bloated zit that bursts a chunky glob of tasteless paste in your direction. Mmm, mmm good.

Ben and Jerry’s: Manna, Ambrosia, or Panacea

From youth I have always had the mistaken belief that food either tasted good or it was good for you. Those two polar extremes have proven discrete time and time again throughout my life.

There is one company however, that has turned everything I thought I knew about food upside down. They have taken those two mutually exclusive, entirely incompatible, concepts and merged them into a food that by every law of nature should not exist. Physics and chemistry, the twin culinary sciences, gape in silent astonishment. It is almost as if they have taken matter and anti-matter, and forged something entirely new---Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.

The name Ben and Jerry’s, of course, is a catchy abbreviation of its two primary ingredients, Benadryl and Geritol. Ben and Jerry’s has the combined potency of an iron supplement and the alluring, blissful, head-throbbing, sedating effect of an antihistamine. Together the flavor knocks you flat on your back, and brings you back from the dead a week later begging for more.

There are several variety of Ben and Jerry’s available over the counter, but due to the temperature requirements, it is often kept in the frozen foods rather than the pharmacy.

• Ben and Jerry’s Plus (with Zinc)
• Maximum Strength Ben and Jerry’s
• Ben and Jerry’s Cough and Sore Throat
• Ben and Jerry’s Children’s Nappy-time with Codeine
• Ben and Jerry’s Anti-inflammatory with Estrogens and Progestins

Ask your doctor if you would like to know more about Ben and Jerry's mediations available at prescription strength.

Newly developed alternative administration methods include:

• Ben and Jerry’s Children’s Chewable tablets
• Ben and Jerry’s Topical Ointment
• Ben and Jerry’s Suppository
• Ben and Jerry’s Nasal Spray
• Ben and Jerry’s Live cultures vaccine injection

A BJ a day, keeps the doctor away!

Warning:

Excessive use of Ben and Jerry's can cause bloating and sluggishness. In some cases, people report irritability, depression, anxiety, psychosis, tic (or stereotyped repetitive movement), soreness, itching, headaches, chills, nausea, fatigue, spontaneous cardiovascular arrest, fever, aches, attraction to magnets, hallucinations, uncontrollable bowels, mild rash, seizures, inflammation of the parotid gland, coma, muscle wasting, excessive abdominal gas, heartburn, change in eating habits, addition, possiveness over the medication (to the point of violence), and in rare cases, weight gain (to the point of morbid obesity.)

Fondo – The Way of the Fork

For generations a hidden martial art has been passed from father to son. This art has evolved over thousands of years. It originated from deep within the aboriginal pre-historic French rainforests. There, while fighting over a limited food supply, the first forks were created by mustached cave-people.
Today, in our bounteous plenty, the primary purpose of the fork has been forgotten. It is more than a utensil for moving food towards the mouth---it is a weapon to keep competitors for a scarce resource at bay.

The art originated as a way of life—a literal “survival-of-the-fittest.” Today it is ceremoniously practiced exclusively during a French ritual called “Fondue.” Points are scored as “morsels” are retrieved, dipped in “fodder” (a pot of molten sauce, usually some kind of dairy), and consumed. Long minutes are spent in psychological warfare---waiting, biding time, feinting, looking for that split second opportunity to claim the prize. Although blood is common at these events, the injuries are not usually lethal---they tend to target the hands and arms (although in heated competitions the cheeks, chins, thighs, and necks can become engaged in melee.)

There are three primary types of instrument used in fondo—(1) the skewer, the most primitive, single-pointed instrument. (2) the trident—a three-tanged fork, and (3) the classical bident—a two-tanged fork. Additional tangs add the benefit of catching an opponents fork, possibly de-forking him entirely. It also allows a more firm grasp on morsels (very helpful if the morsels a soft fruit (such as bananas) or the fodder is particular viscous (such as chocolate). Fewer tangs does provide the advantages of a deeper jab—possibly sliding morsels down the skewer, exposing the point for further attacks, and more penetrating power against thickly clothed opponents. (Although against regulation and considered a dishonorable practice, some street-fondo practitioners will wear gardening gloves.)

An outline of basic forms of Fondo include:

• Classical—Single fork in the primary hand. The unarmed hand is held behind the back.
• Natural—Single fork, but the unarmed hand is free to assist with blocks, parries, and if necessary, grapples. Although it is considered bad form in the United States, the unarmed hand could also be used to de-morsel an opponent’s fork.
• International—The international form utilizes a fork in each hand. Often one fork will be shorter than the other, and used primarily for parrying the opponent’s fork, or making attacks against his person.
• Twin-picks---Twin-picks is a specific subset of the International form, involving a very short wooden skewer in each hand (about the size of a toothpick). These contests often become very brutal. The skewers are fragile enough to be broken easily, so they are usually held in a closed fist until making an attempt at a morsel. Without exposed forks, the contest quickly evolved into a fist-fight.
• Darthfork—This relatively new form involves a modified double sided fondo fork. This gives the advantage of holding food on one side, while threatening with the other. International Darthfork (one double-sided fork held in each hand) creates a dizzying blur of steel and strawberries.

Although it is unclear what retaliation I might face for making public the secrets of Fondo, I will attempt to reveal more moves, techniques, and strategies in the near future.

Welcome to the Wal-Mart California

In 1976 the Eagles released their enduring classic “Hotel California.” Little known to the world at large, the title is a result of a lawsuit filed by the Wal-Mart cooperation days after the initial release. The original title “Wal-Mart California” was seen as a direct attack against the quickly growing monolithic corporation. Fortunately, the judicial mandate required only removing the word Wal-Mart from the song---leaving the lyrics otherwise intact. With the original intent of the composers in mind, the meaning of the lyrics becomes clear . . .
(This propagandistic appeal imagines Wal-Mart spreading its influence into the desert highways of California. A fear that was realized 14 years after the release of the song.)

“On a dark desert highway--Cool wind in my hair”
--This is a specific reference to a Wal-Mart in Palm Springs California—The normally blistering Santa Ana winds being mysteriously chill with some dark presence . . .

“Warm smell of colitis--Rising up through the air”
--Colitis is an anagram for “Cist oil”—which is a reference to the decomposing ooze which seeps out from the edges of a poorly made tomb. This is as accurate of a description as I have found to express that unidentifiable smell that surrounds a Wal-Mart.

“Up ahead in the distance--I saw a shimmering light”
--Strategic positioning of illuminated Wal-Mart signs allows their fluorescently flickering images to be seen miles away in the desert air.

“My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim--I had to stop for the night”
--Because of the ubiquitous nature of Wal-Mart, it has become a regular stop on late-night long-distance drives. It has been suggested that the singer intended to actually spend the night at the Wal-Mart—which (although I suspect it happens regularly) is unlikely. Rather---he is traveling throughout the night, and requires a restroom and Snickers break.

“There she stood in the doorway--I heard the mission bell”
--“She,” of course, the archetype of the femme fatal, is Capitalism’s harpy, the Wal-Mart greeter.
The “mission bell” as it is often referred to by employees, is the alarm that goes off whenever: (1) Someone passes the door with a product that hasn’t been scanned, (2) Every 13th customer, regardless of what they have with them, and (3) every 34 minutes, whether a customer is near or not.

“And I was thinking to myself--This could be Heaven or this could be Hell”
--I really think no additional explanation is needed here . . .

“Then she lit up a candle--And she showed me the way”
--This phrase is often mistaken for the actual, literal, igniting of a waxen taper. The original intent here is to express the barely perceptible increase in excitement by the Wal-Mart greeter. “Candle” in this case, refers directly to a measure of luminosity. (Specifically, 1 candle = 1/60 of the luminous intensity per square centimeter of a black body radiating at the temperature of 2,046 degrees Kelvin)
The greeter seemed to illuminate with interest, ever so slightly, as she handed him a cart and bid him enter the store. The greeter represents the only hint left of humanity within the walls of Wal-Mart.

“There were voices down the corridor”
--This is a reference to “Musak” down the aisles of the store.

“I thought I heard them say:”
“Welcome to the [Wal-Mart] California”
“Such a lovely place” (repeated)
“Such a lovely face”
“Plenty of room at the [Wal-Mart] California”
“Any time of year” (repeated)
“You can find it here” (repeated)
--Of course, the hypnotic background Musak does not include the words above—at least, not in a way you can recognize. It has long been speculated however, that the musical background is simply a medium for the transmission of subconscious messages. It stands to reason that this chorus is one such message.

“Her mind is Tiffany twisted”
--Tiffany is the etomological descendant of the Greek “Theophania” meaning “god appearing”. The Eagles here suggest that Wal-Mart is a twisted variation on the appearance of God.

“She's got the Mercedes bends”
--Often misheard by untrained listeners as “Mercedes,” what the singer actually intended was “Merci dis”— French for “Say Thank you.” In a rather crass analogy, the singer is suggesting that Wal-Mart has you “bent over,” presumably for some unpleasant invasion of your wallet, and expects you to thank her for the opportunity.

“She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys--That she calls friends”
--Although the greeters and the registrars all smile, and Wal-Mart tries to make its “associates” (i.e., employees) feel like friends, there is something insincere about the relationship.

“How they dance in the courtyard--Sweet summer sweat”
--The employees of Wal-Mart move rhythmically and purposely, suggesting a kind of happiness through industry.

“Some dance to remember--Some dance to forget”
--Although all the employees are in a state of purgatory . . . some are working to remember their former lives—constantly striving to see the sky though the dominating florescent buzz. Others surrender to the ill-wind of capitalism—trying to forget their hard-earned degrees in obsolete technology.

“So I called up the Captain”
--Upon seeing the employees express their stoic bliss through ‘dance,’ the singer addresses Sam Walton, specifically . . .

“Please bring me my wine”
--Wine being an allusion to the Arcadian idyllic tranquility suggested by the ‘dance’

“He said--We haven't had that spirit here since 1969”
--On Halloween, 1969, Wal-Mart incorporates. The missing spirit is another reference to that “calm” characteristic that is the antithesis of a Saturday afternoon at Wal-Mart.

“And still those voices are calling from far away--Wake you up in the middle of the night”
--A clear reference to the anger hordes of toddlers weeping, wailing, and gnashing their teeth through the isles, pushed in carts by dazed and apathetic parents.

“Just to hear them say”
“Welcome to the Wal-Mart California”
“Such a lovely Place” (repeated)
“Such a lovely face”
“They're livin' it up at the Wal-Mart California”
“What a nice surprise” (repeated)
“Bring your alibis”
--Again, another rendering of the subliminal Musak message . . .with a sarcastic remark at the end, as the singer sees through the illusionary happiness of the place. The singer is thinking of all the places he would rather be at the moment. He is certainly not, “livin’ it up.” The surprise is certainly not “nice,” and the whole venture is made all the more painful if you bring a list of places you could be instead. (Alibis comes from the Latin “alius” (other) on the model of “ibi” (there), meaning “Bring a list of places you would rather be”)

“Mirrors on the ceiling--Pink champagne on ice”
--This is a reference to the security cameras and the boxes of Cherry 7-Up always on sale.

“And she said:”
“We are all just prisoners here--Of our own device”
--The Wal-Mart greeter, (who turns out to the to be the hero of the song), pulls the singer behind a several crates of Cherry 7-Up to escape the security cameras. She explains how Wal-Mart, (referred to by some as the “Whore of all the Earth,” or “The Great and Spacious Building”) has transcended its original bulk-marginal-profit plan and become a self-directing avalanche of capitalistic momentum, sweeping its employees and customers along in the current.

“And in the master's chambers”
“They gathered for the feast”
“They stab it with their steely knives”
“But they just can't kill the beast”
--In 1972, Wal-Mart opened on the New York Stock exchange. At that moment, the “beast” took on a life of its own, the stock splitting three times before the publication of this song four years later. Ever since, despite the masses of lawsuits and take-over attempts Wal-Mart continues to grow unabated (“steely knives” being a metaphor for anti-trust lawyers, named for their conservative, pointy ties). It currently accounts for over a third of US dollars spent on both leg-razors and zucchini.

“Last thing I remember--I was running for the door”
“I had to find the passage back to the place I was before”
--Finally, the singer’s eyes have been completely opened. He understandably seeks escape. This “oasis” in the California desert was in reality an insidious mart of Walls.

“Relax said the night man” (Short for “night manager”)
“We are programmed to receive”
“You can check out any time you like--But you can never leave”
--At the conclusion of the song, the point is finally crystallized. No one ever leaves a Wal-Mart with more money than they came in with. We always return. Even if we manage never to pass through the sliding-glass gates of Hell again, we have left a piece of our soul behind. No man exits a Wal-Mart whole.

St. Patrick and the Guild of Leprechauns

Little is known of the mysterious past of St. Patrick’s day. Allow me to illuminate what little we do know:

It was Halloween 1517. A kind monk by the name of Martin Luther was dressed up in a costume that would centuries later become the inspiration behind Batman. He would playfully grab passing children, dressed up in their pagan costumes (According to Walmart.com, that year Hephaestus, the lame Greek god of metalwork, was the costume of choice), and beat them with licorice strips until they were all laughing so hard he couldn’t continue.

He saw what he thought was a group of children gathered around the local cathedral door, but as he approached they scattered. They had carved profanities into the door—95 in all. Luther carefully placed a Post-It (Often referred to by its Latin name: “Theses”) over each marking, and writing instructions to the cathedral door-polisher to “Remove the hidden scars from the Church.” (Unfortunately, these were discovered by the bishop first, leading to the single greatest misinterpretation of an event in history.)

Unfortunately, Martin Luther never had a chance to correct the mistake, for unbeknownst to him, that night a group of convicts escaped the local leper colony. The disease had stunted their growth, and driven them madly superstitious. These “leper-cons” were spotted several times in the days following Martin Luther’s mysterious disappearance . . . ranting wild folk melodies, smelling of clover, feasting on human flesh.

Martin Luther’s roommate, John Calvin, wanted to keep the utilities in Martin Luther’s name, so he perpetuated the myth that he was still alive.

For the next several years, the leper-cons terrorized various villages, showing up sporadically all over Europe. As their numbers grew, so did their sophistication. They operated as a savage guild of potted-candle-makers, whose influence spread across the continent. Eventually they began to operate as a unified organization under the charismatic leadership of a cunning Irish midget named Trick.

The Guild of Leper-Cons reached unprecedented notoriety, and Trick took upon himself the title of “Father.” (referred to in old Irish as “Pa”)

28 years after their first attack, the nineteenth ecumenical council of the Catholic Church opened at Trent to discuss a resolution to this persistent problem. If rumors are to be believed, PaTrick himself held a secret meeting with several cardinals and high-ranking officials from the Church’s sister organization, Hallmark. On March 17th, a compromise was reached granting each of the leper-cons a “Pot ‘o Gold” and imbuing PaTrick his Sainthood. The compromise worked---the attacks stopped, and the image of “Leprechauns” has evolved into the lovable clover-wielding misers we know today.

Of course, the whole “I-get-to-pinch-you-if-you-are-not-wearing-green” thing was invented in the 20’s by an old business executive with a young attractive secretary. The color was irrelevant; he just picked the color she wasn’t wearing that day. It is amazing what some people will believe.

Where is this place, Corne, and how do they make such delicious little animals? And what game, exactly, do they play?

So persistent were these nagging questions in my mind that I decided to do a little research. Corne is a Mediterranean island off the bootlace side of Italy. (On most maps it is referred to by it’s proper Italian name, Corsica.) In fact, rumor has it, that this island that was the original inspiration behind Jurassic park. Of course, rather than breeding the monstrous prehistoric reptiles that we have seen in the movie, they breed the miniature prehistoric mammals that we read about in textbooks. (Interesting note: Corsica island neighbor, Sardinia, is the home of the similarly bred “Sardina Game Fish”---a miniature fish we know as Sardines.)

These miniature animals are the result of research done by the international toy conglomerate Hasbro. Originally the Cornish “Game” Hen was devised as an experimental living game chit, intended for release in the Dungeons and Dragons line of miniatures “Giants of Legend.” Unfortunately, a group of animal rights activist got involved, and now, rather than playing with them, we deep fry them.

Now mind you, the widely known (and much appreciated) Cornish Game Hen is only one of an often overlooked group of miniature Cornish animals.

Once or twice a year—St. Patrick’s day being the most consistent—we get out our heaviest pot, chop up some veggies, and have a reverent ceremony. Walmart always puts Cornish Game Cow on sale a few days before the holiday. Something about the method of butchering a miniature cow affects the flavor, so “Corned beef” (as it is often referred to in the US) is sold in either point cut (killed in the traditional spear-throwing method) or flat cut (killed by morning-star, a method preferred by some connoisseurs).

The other wildly popular Cornish miniature mammal in the United States is the Cornish Game Dog. A vast majority of these pups are harvested from dog farms at a tender and juicy age. Most often served with a traditional cornbread coating and a wooden dowel longitudinally inserted from the back end, it is a favorite for children and adult alike.

Hopefully I have been helpful in illuminating a bit of the fascinating background behind some of our favorite Cornish delights. Hopefully you take a moment to thank your local importer next time you grab a corn dog for lunch.

Tymz translation of the bible . . .

There is a misconception that the ancient Hebrews were relatively primitive in the arts of medicine and surgery. This misconception exists because the only real biblical reference to the healing arts is the so named “Balm of Gilead.” Unfortunately, this is the result of a rather embarrassing misinterpretation of the original writings. In fact, the Balm of Gilead is not a reference to medical terminology at all.

I will spare you from a lengthy discussion of etymology and semantics; let it suffice to say, “Gilead” is an ancient word meaning “a frigid palace,” or in what our modern technological vocabulary would call a “refrigerator.” Because of the unfortunate ambiguity of the root word, several other health-related words have been mistranslated as well.

“Balm” also has similarly ancient roots. It quite literally translates to “Fresca” one of the most prized beverages in the ancient world. It was often referred to as the “everlasting water of life” for it was unimaginable that one could take a sip and thirst ever again.

Hopefully this will knowledge will grant you additional insight as you study the scriptures. For example:

Jeremiah 8:22
“Is there no balm [Fresca] in Gilead [the refrigerator]; is there no physician [fizzies] there? Why then is not the health [thirst] of the daughter of my people recovered [quenched]?”

Doesn’t that make all the more poignant the anguish of the inhabitants of Jerusalem?

Jeremiah 46:11
“Go up into Gilead [the refrigerator], and take balm [Fresca], O virgin, the daughter of Egypt: in vain shalt thou use many medicines [sodas]; for thou shalt not be cured [quenched].”

In this chapter, Jeremiah compares the looming fall of the Egyptians to one who drinks Fresca, but without quenching their thirst. Can you imagine what that must have been like? Drinking a Fresca, but without the bubbling, tingling, long-lasting refreshment?

Genesis 37:25
“And they sat down to eat bread: and they lifted up their eyes and looked, and, behold, a company of Ishmeelites came from Gilead [the refrigerator] with their camels bearing spicery and balm [Fresca] and myrrh [tapioca pudding pearls], going to carry it down to Egypt.”

Now, that sounds like a caravan I want to be a part of!